If Books Could Kill Audition Packet

Those interested in auditioning for If Books Could Kill (see If Books Could Kill Auditions and Production Information for more info), may do either of the following:

• Audition in person on June 4 between 7pm and 8pm at Centreville Library:

  
  

  14200 St Germain Dr

  Centreville, VA 20121

  
  

  This will also be our rehearsal and performance venue. Bring a list of conflicts for Wednesday night and Sunday afternoons. (Rehearsals will be once a week and based on cast availability.) You may bring a résumé if you wish. Paper audition forms will be available along with paper sides.

• Complete this form to audition virtually with videos. The deadline is June 4 at 8pm. I recommend filming two sides of your choice, but any number of videos are accepted.

If you have any questions or conflicts getting to/accessing your audition materials or anything at all to bring up, please feel free to reach out to Brianna Lau at yamproductions.director@gmail.com. This production and rehearsal period is supposed to be fun and lower-stress than many full stage productions. Reach out if you need anything.

Sides

All auditioners will be considered for all roles regardless of which sides they read. Feel free to prepare multiple if you wish, and we will do what we can to see everything from everyone.

Ernest:

As the host of this soiree, I'll go first: I am Ernest Fitzgerald, literary litterateur of the nearly critically acclaimed novel WHERE THE DONKEYS BRAY, a masterwork if I do say so myself. I almost made the longer long lists for the Booker Prize and the National Book Award. Kirkus Reviews wrote that my artistry is "on par with James Joyce and Lewis Carroll in coherency." While DONKEYS was released three years ago, I am pleased to note that I'm hard at work searching for an agent for my next chef oeuvre--Steven [steff-ON], you're late!

Monica:

Oh look, a gathering of duds and nobodies (to Ernest) and ex- husbands. Interesting to see this place once again, Ernie. I see you've done nothing to improve the ambivalence. Did I come in while you were all listing accompaniments? How tacky. But once in a blue gnome…For those who don't know me—I'm Monica Meiers, author of the beloved VAMPIRE VALEDICTORIANS children's series. Recently, I transitioned into adult mysteries and thrillers.

Perhaps you have heard of them? GONE GOOSE and BLUNT THINGS? Of course you have. It’s just so much fun writing about death, and it seems like everyone agrees.

Steven:

Hello. Good to see you all. Didn't realize we'd be doing a speech. I didn't prepare anything and don't have a whole lot to say in general, but I suppose I should do a quick intro and then be done with things and let someone else do the rest of the talking. I'm Steven Prince. That’s STEFF-AN spelled with a V, and Prince, like Harry. I write horror, the terrifying and tantalizing, the panicking and petrifying, the shocking and sensational. Like that other writer by a similar name, my books are weighty and ponderous, and I publish at an alarmingly astonishing fast pace.

Angelica:

First things first: did anyone stab the deceased? Oh well, seeing if anyone would confess was a stab in the dark. Well, then the first thing we should do is search for clues. But we have to stick together— there's a killer among us. Did you think they just fell on that knife? Look at that stab wound. I know chocolate cake is to die for, but this is overbaked. One of you is clearly taking this family rivalry too far. Leave the knife there and don't move the body—we'll try to preserve the scene for the police, if we can ever get them here.

T.R.R.:

Oh my. Oh no. You can't possibly think it was me? I mean, I'm known for my bloody murders, but I wouldn't actually hurt someone off-page. But something about this does feel familiar. I couldn’t wrap my head around it until now, but this is exactly like the Green Dinner in A Court of Cons and Cruelty, the second book in my Blood Fae Trilogy. But this wasn't me! So many little things—it had to be a coincidence. We're here for our matriarch's birthday. We're all rivals. I'm being plagiarized, IRL! No, not quite copied. The killer did something a little different when they murdered this time. Look!

Pauline:

Oh, you all are such losers. Only one of us is the reigning monarch of the NYT Bestseller's list, and it's me, the Sovereign of Smut. Except not just smut anymore, with my brilliant shift to thrillers. What? Scared that I'll displace you, Monica? Only one of us in this room has ever jumped genres successfully, and that's me. So stop trying, sweetie. At least you were smart enough to drop my ballast of a brother. Such a messy divorce.

Auntie Helen:

I will say that murder and mystery are not my genres of choice, and that my mind is not as sharp as it used to be. I'm not surprised that you all have such anger and hate brewing inside you, and with all of your bottled creativity, it stands to reason that someone is going to go to great lengths to murder. Do you think less competition will increase your chance at inheritance? No, surely the motive is more complex than that. Money isn’t the only motivator for murder.

Vera:

Whoa now! That's ancient history. Literally. Did I want to kill her at the time? Absolutely. She ruined my college years and my life with that book. She said I was a serial cheater! I had to change my name, move cities, and delete all my social media just to get away from the gossip. She set my career back years, all over a man. But instead of getting even, I took a page from her book and wrote her into mine—did anyone notice how much the evil alien overlord in GRAVE NEW PEARL resembled that corpsicle?